***
A File
A woman got a job in a hardware store.
Her first customer was a drunk guy, who told her,
"I need a bastard file."
"How dare you talk to me like that!" the incensed woman said. Speak to me courteously, or I will call the manager."
Guy says, "Awright, can I please have a bastard file?"
"That's it," the woman says, "I am calling the manager!"
When the manager gets there, he explains that a bastard file is a type of very raspy file. The woman apologizes to the guy, sells him the file, and he leaves.
Pretty soon the guy staggers back in, wanting another file, telling her the other wasn't what he needed.
"You need a bigger bastard?" she asks.
Guy points in the showcase and says, "Naw, one of those little fuckers will do."
***
A Quick Mind
A customer asked a new clerk in a supermarket if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, the clerk excused himself to ask the manager.
"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit--" he began, and suddenly realized that the customer had entered the office behind him--"and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."
The manager was impressed with the clerk's quick mind and the way he had resolved the problem, and they later started chatting.
"Where are you from?" asked the store manager.
"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "Home of ugly women and great hockey teams."
"Oh? My wife is from Lancaster!" challenged the manager.
"No shit! What team was she on?"
***
A Wise Little Girl
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The the Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
***
An Interview
NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars.
The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a
one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.
"Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to
my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted,
he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
***
Bad Wreck
A car sped off the highway, went through a guardrail, shot over a cliff, bounced off a tree, rolled three times and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist who witnessed the accident helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
"My Lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"
"Hell yes!" said the guy, "What did you think I was--a goddamn stuntdriver?"
***
Bill Gates Joke
One day, Bill Gates dies, and he's summoned to the pearly gates where he's met by the gatekeeper. The gatekeeper asks Bill whether he would like to go to heaven, or hell.
Bill thinks for a moment and asks if he can see both, before making up his mind.
The gatekeeper agrees and gives him a tour of heaven. It is full of people sat around, playing cards, getting on with each other and generally looking bored.
Then the gatekeeper shows Bill around hell. It is full of people shagging the living daylights out of each other, tearing around on motorbikes and generally having a great time of it.
"Ah," says Bill, "This is more like it. I'll stay in hell please". So the gatekeeper leaves him there.
Two weeks later, the gatekeeper returns to see how Bill Gates is getting on. Bill is tied to a stake with Demons ramming pitchforks up his arse.
"Hows it going" asks the gatekeeper.
"Bloody terrible, this isn't what you showed me two weeks ago!"
The gatekeeper simply replies; "That was the demo version" :-)
***
CEO
A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot.
One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."
After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.
"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end." After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt.
After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."
The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing.
At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare ass in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"
The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
"Not with a petunia."
***
Classic Put Down
At a party, a woman says to Winston Churchhill, "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
"Yes, madam, and you are ugly. But, in the morning, I shall be sober."
*
During a meeting of Parliament, a woman stood up at the back of the room and said, "Mr. Churchill, if I was your wife, I'd poison you." Churchill replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd let you."
***
Different Colors
An African guide tells a white hunter:
"Somethin' I been wondering about, mister.
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
"You white fellas,
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
And when you die, you grey.
And you got the gaul to call me colored?"
***
Dirty Mind
The biology professor told the students,
"Before I start today's lecture, I want to see if you have been keeping up with the readings.
Calling on one girl, he asks,
"Amanda, what organ of the body expands to ten times its normal size when excited?"
Amanda turns the color of a wet sunset, drops her eyes in embarrassment and is unable to reply.
Professor asks, "Sally, do you know the answer?"
Sally says, "It is the pupil of the eye, sir."
Professor says, "Very good Sally."
Turning to Amanda, he adds,"Now, Amanda, I have three things to say to you:
one, you have not done your homework; two, you have a dirty mind; and three, you're in for a big disappointment."
***
Don't Use Dynamite
A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading:
"Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."
He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As the police carried him out on a stretcher,he was heard moaning: "My confidence in
human nature has been rudely shaken."
***
Failure to Communicate
A buncha Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, it's back with a blonde woman. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shrug at each other, figuring, Typical white man--gonna die and can only think of one thing.
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
Cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, Typical white man--going to die tomorrow and only think of one thing.
Last day comes. Chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"
Cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! Posse, goddamn it!
P-o-s-s-e!
***
FBI
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.
The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen." said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
***
Faster than Tarzan
A millionaire collected live alligators, which he kept in the pool at his mansion.
The guy also had a beautiful daughter, who was single.
One day he threw a big party. During the party, he announced,
"My dear guests--I put a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
Suddenly there was a large splash, and everybody gawked as a guy cut a swathe across the pool, swimming like Tarzan going to save Jane. The crowd cheered the guy on as he kept churning through the water. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed, saying, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain--which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, fella, I'm doing all right and don't want your money! And I'm married and don't want your daughter! What I want is the sonofabitch who pushed me in that goddamn pool!"
***
For the Golfers
Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror as the ball heads directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hits one of the guys, who immediately clasps his hands together at his crotch, falls to the ground and rolls around in agony. The woman rushes to the guy and immediately begins apologizing, saying, "Please allow me to help! I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just let me!"
The guy's still in a fetal position, clasping his hands together at his crotch, moaning and groaning. Finally, he's able to mumble, "I'll be...okay...in a few minutes."
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to treat his pain. She begins to massage his groin. After a few moments she asks, "Does that feel better?"
The guy looks up at her and says, "Yeah, lady, feels great. But my goddamn thumb still hurts like hell!"
***
Fruits of Love
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for five days.
The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them.
The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers.
The old man asks,
"Are you young folks all right?"
"Yes, we're fine," the man answered. "We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied,
"I kinda figured that. Say...would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
***
Greed
A preacher watched a television show that was demonstrating hypnotism. He figured out that he could use the tricks to raise more money.
The following Sunday, he started swinging a gold watch in front of the already sleepy congregation, chanting, "Put five dollars in the collection plate."
When he counted the receipts, he found that it worked.
The next Sunday, he repeated the experiment, except that, as he swung the watch, he asked for ten dollars. The collection doubled.
The following Sunday, while swinging the watch he wondered what to hit the congregation up for this time. Being distracted by greed, he dropped the watch. As he stooped to pick it up, he muttered, "Oh shit."
Took a week to clean up the place.
***
King of the Jungle
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of
all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, crapped on it, and ambled away.
The lion hollered after the elephant, "Damn, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."
***
Lawyers
A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.)
The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking about his approaching death. He told his three friends this, and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.
"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money. Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your envelopes into the grave on top of my coffin?"
The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes. Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his coffin.
As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others,
"I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar badly,
so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his feet.
The Doctor said, "Well, since you've admitted it, I too must confess that I took the money. The children's hospital where I work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $28,000 to buy it."
The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a similar confession.
Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any of the money.
I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the envelope!"
***
Longshot
After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella.
Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"Exactly," replied the doctor.
***
Mexican Two-step
Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain."
Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed."
Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light."
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea."
All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?"
Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home-made Mexican tequila.
On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before."
First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?"
Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn on that goddamn light...."
***
Misperception
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted,
"Spit 'em out, guys, they're assholes!"
***
Missing Bull
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store, but the attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher to get him to settle out of court.
The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. The lawyer cut him a check.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher,
"You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. No way. The engineer was asleep from smoking too much dope, and the fireman was passed out in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
***
Mission Impossible
A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed.
In heaven soon afterward, the guy told St. Peter, "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter said, "I'll tell you what--wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They repeated their request to St. Peter, who told them, "I'm sorry, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait another five years."
After another five years go by, they brace St. Peter again. This time he answers, "Yes, you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
However, they soon found that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven.
St. Peter gave them a thousand-yard stare, and finally muttered,
"Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here.
Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
***
Old Hermit
An old guy who'd spent his whole life as a recluse in the desert goes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train in his life, but on his way he happens upon a railroad track.
Standing alongside the track, wondering what the hell it was, he hears a loud whistle. Looking around, he sees a train bearing down on him like something out of the Apocalypse.
The train just nudges him a glancing blow, but it still flips him ass over elbows into an arroyo, where his head smacks up against a rock and knocks him colder'n a witch's heart.
A while later he gets up, tenderly feeling the bump on his head and shrugging off the dust, and continues onto his friend's house, the whole time wondering what the devil that big metal thing was that nearly killed him.
His friend greets him, puts on a kettle of tea, and they start swapping old lies.
A few minutes later, the tea kettle starts whistling like crazy on the stove and the hermit jumps up in a panic, grabs a chair and pounds the whistling tea kettle into a steel tortilla.
Amazed, his friend asks, "What the hell did you do that for?"
The hermit says, "Man, those fuckers're dangerous. You gotta kill them when they're small!"
***
Over the Fences
Two neighbors are in a snit, arguing with each other over the fence, one telling the other,
"You know, you're not far from a fool are you?"
Second guy answers,
"Nope. Just a barbed wire fence between us."
***
Polish Joke
A Polish Gentlemen walks into the store and asks for a couple of pounds of Polish sausage. The store keeper looks back at him without replying.
After about 10 seconds the Polish gentlemen says:
" What's the matter, do you think that because I ask for some Polish sausage I must be Polish and therefore an idiot. Is that truly the way you think?
If a guy came in asking for some potatos, would you assume him to be Irish and thus a drunk, or if someone came in for some pasta that would make them Italian and therefore some violent mafioso?
Come on this is the 1160's. You really cannot think this way can you?"
The storekeeper looks back at him and says,
" Sure, whatever you say, but you know this is a Hardware shop".
***
School Paper
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother,
"How was I born?"
"The stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?"
"Well, darling, the stork brought them too," said the mother.
The next day the boy handed in his paper to the teacher. It read,
"This report is impossible to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
***
Slow Golfer
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says,
"What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Hell, man, you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
***
Snail Joke
This guy see this snail on the street and kicks it 200 yards away. Two years later he hears a knock on the door, opens it and see the snail down in front of him.
The snail says, "What was that all about?"
***
Some Doctorism
What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"How are we today?"
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like shit.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who the hell are you and why are you are here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Shit! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n a shithouse rat. Now who's a goofy shrink who'll split fees with me?
"Why don't you slip out of your things."
I haven't had a good laugh all day.
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
***
Stingy
An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm where they barely eked out a living. One day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
He rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home, where he told his father the good news, and handed him $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said,
"Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. "And a damn cheap one, too."
***
Surgeon
An architect watched a mechanic remove engine parts from his car to get to the valves.
A surgeon, waiting for his car to be repaired, walked over to observe the process.
After they introduced themselves, they began talking, and the talk turned to their lines of work.
"You know, doctor," said the architect, "I sometimes believe this type of work is as complicated as the work we do."
"Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running."
***
The Baby
A little kid stares with fascination at a pregnant woman sitting on a park bench. Finally, the kid points at the woman's stomach and asks,
"What's that?"
"That's my baby," the woman replies.
"Do you love the baby?" the kid asks.
"I love it very much," the mother-to-be answers.
"Then how come you ate it?"
***
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camped in the desert. While taking a dump, the Lone Ranger gets bit in the ass by a rattlesnake.
"Tonto!" the masked man shouts. "Ride to town and get a doctor! Quick!"
In town, Tonto finds the doctor delivering a baby.
The doctor explains he can't leave the woman and tells Tonto he will have to suck the poison out of the snakebite or the Lone Ranger will die.
Tonto races back to camp.
"Kemo Sabe," he says sadly.
"The doctor was busy and can't come."
"Well," Lone Ranger replies anxiously, "did he tell you what to do? What did he say?"
"Doctor say, 'Kemo Sabe going to die.'"
***
The Magician and the Parrot
A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's ricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear.
The parrot grew to be bored shitless, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot.
The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion. Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician.
And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him.
Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks,
"Awright, I give up. What did you do with the goddamn ship?"
***
The Mule
A farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. Farmers from all over the county turned out for the funeral.
The minister, examining the crowd outside the church, commented to a friend,
"This woman must have been mighty popular. Just look how many people left their fields to come to her funeral."
"They're not here for the funeral," the friend said. "They're here to buy the mule."
***
The Roast
One day a little girl was watching her mother prepare a roast beef.
The mother cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it, and set it in the roasting pan.
Little girls asked,
"Mom, why do you cut the end off the roast?"
"Because that's the way my mother did it."
That weekend grandma came over to visit and the little girl asked her why she cut the end off of a roast before cooking.
After some thought, Grandma replied,
"Because that was the way my mother did it."
The following day, while visiting her great-grandmother, the little girl asked,
"Great-Grandma, why do you cut the end off the roast?"
"Why, so it would fit in the pan, of course."
***
The Stranger
A stranger goes up to a farm as says,
"I saw some Honeysuckle down by your creek there. Mind if I go fetch some honey for myself?"
Farmer says,
"Why, son, you know you can't get no honey from honeysuckle."
"Mind if I try anyway?"
"Naw, go right ahead."
Later, the stranger returned with a pint of honey. The farmer was
amazed.
About a week later, the stranger came back and says,
"I saw some milkweed over in your valley. Mind if I get some milk?"
"Why, son, you can't get milk from milkweed."
"Mind if I try?"
"Nope, go right ahead."
The stranger returned with a gallon of milk and thanks the farmer.
Long after the guy's gone, the farmer's going nuts trying to figure out how he did that.
The next week, the stranger comes back again. Walking up to the porch where the farmer was resting in a swing, he says,
"I notice you have some pussy willow down in the meadow, and wondered if you'd mind--"
"Hold on a second, son! I'll fetch my boots!"
***
The Unhappy Astronaut
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one astronaut from each country.
Since it's going to be two years up there, each may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife. They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want 150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made."
Again, NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each holding and infant. The crowd cheers.
The Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer.
The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white,
glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:
"Anybody got a match?"
***
Tough Job
"Teflon Willie" Clinton was strolling along a beach one day and tripped on a partially buried bottle. Picking it up, Teflon Willie rubbed it to expose the label.
Suddenly a cloud spewed out of the bottle and a genie appeared.
Genie says,
"Thank you for saving me from that god awful prison I've been in for a thousand years. As an expression of my overwhelming gratitude I will grant you one wish."
Teflon Willie says,
"I want peace in the Mideast!"
Genie thinks back. "Mideast... Mideast...I can't seem to remember. Can you jog my memory a little?
Teflon Willie whips out a world map and points out the area.
Genie's eyes pop open and he mutters,
"Oh, yeah. Now I remember. The Mideast! Man, that's a tough one. They've been fighting over there since a day after God made dirt. I hate to admit it, fella, but that's more than I can handle. I'm sorry. Can you wish for something else?"
Teflon Willie says,
"Well...could you make the American people like my wife? I have an election coming up."
Genie pauses for a long while, grimaces, then finally mumbles,
"Shit! Lemme see that fuckin' map again!"
**
Two Eagles
Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.
One eagle says to the other,
"Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"
The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three
assholes and they were all on fire".
***
White-out
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.
"As you are fitting his glasses," he said,
"if the customer asks how much they cost, say '$75.'
If he doesn't do a white-out and his eyes roll back in his head, say 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'
If his eyes still don't roll, you add 'Each.'"
***
Why I fired my secretary
It was my birthday and I woke up in high spirits. I knew my wife would be extra nice to me. With a song on my lips I dressed and went down for breakfast.
The wife did not even look up from her newspaper to greet me.
Feeling dejected, I though "at least the children will remember my birthday".
But not a word from them either.
I went to work feeling very depressed. As I entered the office, my secretary greeted me cheefully,
"Good morning - and happy birthday".
Things were certainly starting to look up.
My secretary suggested we have lunch at a cozy restuarant - which we did. We had a few drinks and a great lunch. She then suggested we go to her apartment for coffee. Things were really really getting going now.
We got to her apartment and sat down on the sofa. She excused herself and said she would be back shortly, disappearing into the bedroom.
A few minutes later, she came out with a lighted birthday cake, followed by my wife and children - and I was sitting there with only my socks on.
***
Yuppie
A yuppie was in a restaurant trying to impress his date with his knowledge of wines. He asked the waiter for a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from their Carneros district vineyard.
Upon tasting the wine, the yuppie scolded the waiter.
"This is obviously a 1987 vintage from their N. Coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
As the second bottle was poured, the yuppie tasted the wine and proclaimed,
"No, no, no, this is a 1985 all right, but it's from their Mt. Helena vineyards!"
An old drunk, listening to all this from the bar, got tired of the phony's postering and staggered over to the couple's table.
"Hey," the drunk said, "that's an impressive talent you have there, can you tell me
what's in this glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, the yuppie tasted the liquid in the drunk's glass.
"Geez, that tastes like piss!" he yelped, spitting it out.
"That's right!" exclaimed the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."
Label: Entertainment
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